The Beginning

I have difficulty with the very idea of death. I avoid going to funerals. When I do go, it’s to support somebody else, such as when my mom’s mother died. Being there for her was exhausting.

My wife Jamie finds huge value in going to funerals. And I’ve spoken to others who would agree. But funerals force me to face my own death, and my fear becomes overwhelming.

Here’s where my existential crisis comes in. If you don’t want to do a deep dive about the idea of eternal life, you can stop reading here. You have been warned. 😉

I was raised Catholic, and I now consider myself to be agnostic. I’m not an atheist. I leave myself open to the possibility that my Catholic upbringing is at least close to the truth. I’m agnostic because neither position—belief in God nor disbelief in God—can be proven. This means that either position is a matter of faith.

The reason neither position can be proven is because it’s impossible for something outside of the bounds of time and space to be proven using rules that are bound by time and space. One cannot prove—or disprove—heaven using physics. Science cannot help us, which bums me out because I’m a scientist.

So here’s my existential crisis: What if there are only two choices: Either we live forever or we cease to exist. Both of these positions Blow. My. Mind.

Let’s assume that we cease to exist. What’s that like? Well… it’s like… it’s not like anything. It’s like nothing. I can’t wrap my head around it.

Now let’s assume heaven exists and I will live forever. I’m reminded of the last verse of Amazing Grace:

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.

When we’ve been there 10 million years… 10 billion years… 10 trillion years… you get my point. Just how long is forever, and will I really have to sing that long? Mind equally blown.

By now you might be thinking about other alternatives. That’s why I started this discussion with “What if there are only two choices?”  Our minds thrash around looking for other explanations until we find one so our mind can rest.  Reincarnation. Becoming part of the universe, or nature. My explanation: I believe that there’s something about the nature of time itself we don’t understand, like when we thought our flat earth had to have edges. It’s my scientist’s mind trying to solve eternal questions again.

So this whole existential crisis thing keeps me from fully diving into this “6 months to live” project. I’m scared of death, of what death will do to my consciousness. And my mind blocks me like a middle linebacker when I try.

I warned you this would be deep.

I recall a recent conversation I had with my father. He said we was ready to die, meaning he’s willing to accept death when it comes. I’d guess this is because his faith tells him that something better lies on the other side. I remember that feeling and I’m sad to have lost this reassurance. It would be a huge comfort to me.

As I get into the mindset of these six months, I doubt I’ll be successful achieving anything like the feelings I will feel the day I actually find out I’m dying.

But I resolve to squeeze all the juice out of this I can. Merely creating the structure has already yielded dividends. Because I’ve told enough people, I’m actually doing it. The structure also helps me explain to other my unusual project in a way that can be grasped easily.

And if I can’t quite imagine what it’s like to die, I can hope to imagine what it’s like to live.

Six Months To Life.