Terry

When I started this blog, I wrote the following as part of the rationale of traveling to see people now rather than when I was closer to death.

“Others will pass before I do, and—one by one—I’ll lose the opportunity to tell them how much they mean to me.”

I had no idea how prophetic those words would be.

It’s been a while since I visited anybody. This was due to bad planning on my part. I have only a few people left on my list, and they are located in such northern climates as Minnesota and Canada. By the time I started my planning, winter had set in. I decided to wait for warmer weather.

When spring came, I decided the first person I would arrange to see was Terry.  He was one of the three people on my list where we had left on bad terms, and so I felt it was important to at least try to see him.

Still, I was conflicted about seeing Terry. I was ready to forgive him. On the other hand, I wasn’t prepared to excuse some of the actions he took that resulted in the end of our friendship.

I talked to my friend Janice, who knew both Terry and me. She encouraged me to move forward, and helped me to resolve my ambivalent feelings. I recognized that Terry was human. I could not claim that I was any less flawed as a human being than he was. I would go see him if he would have me.

Terry lived in Canada. I had just decided to send my passport to get renewed. I didn’t even realize this was a problem until later when the need to see Terry became much more urgent.

Anyway, I was talking to Janice, looking for more up-to-date contact information for Terry. She was in contact with Terry’s daughter. Janice passed on some devastating news. Terry had stage-four pancreatic cancer.

A bit later, Janice updated me on his condition. He decided to forego treatment. Under these circumstances, life expectancy was three to six months.

I tried to contact Terry through electronic means such as email and Facebook messaging. I waited a week or more before I tried a different method. I didn’t want to pester him if he didn’t want to see me. But I also told him I would keep trying to contact him if I didn’t hear from him, because I didn’t know whether or not he was getting my messages.

After not receiving a reply, I contacted Janice again for more options. She told me Terry was living at his old house, a place I had visited many years ago. He was sleeping most of the time, but she gave me his cell phone number and a good time to call.

I called. I reached Terry’s voicemail. I left a message asking him if he would agree to let me come see him. I did not receive a return call.

I sat down and typed out a letter to send him. I no longer gave it much of a chance that I would hear from him, let alone get to see him again.  So my remaining goal was to send him the letter I would have read to him had I seen him in person. I mailed it via Priority Mail. Since the letter was going to Canada, I knew it would take longer to reach him than if he was living in the United States.

Within the week, I received the news. Terry had passed. He was well short of his three to six month prognosis. Given the timing, I would be surprised if Terry had read my letter or had it read to him.

Here, with some very light editing given the circumstances, is the letter I sent to Terry.

Hello Terry,

I’ve been trying to contact you for a while, since Janice told me about your illness.  Terry, I don’t know what to say.  I had intended to call you even before I heard the news, as I’ll explain.

I would like to come see you.  I’m running into a few obstacles.  First, I don’t have my passport.  I sent it off to get renewed more than a month ago, and I haven’t gotten it back yet.  Second, I don’t know whether you would permit me to see you.  Third, I am having nasal surgery on June 25.  Regardless, I would like to know whether you would accept a personal visit from me.

I know we left on a bad note.  That’s part of the reason why I was planning to see you even before I learned you were sick.  I was waiting through the winter months before making plans to travel north.  You see, I’ve been on a project, a personal quest.

I’ve been working on this project for more than a year now.  The project starts with me imagining that I had six months to live.  (Yes, I see the irony.)  I would spend the six months –which I’ve since extended—to personally visit all the people in my life who mean the most to me.  You are on my list.

I didn’t shy away from friends where the relationship ended badly.  I’ve already gone to see Eldon and Terry.  I also reconnected with a friend I lost because we sued each other.

The reason you’re on my list is you’re the only person in my life that I considered to be a mentor.  People used to ask me who my mentors were but I didn’t have an answer for them before I met you.  My path was just too different and I was usually forging it on my own.  You gave me a path to follow, not only within the seminar but in my own personal growth.  And I didn’t have to travel the path alone.  I am a better person because of you.

You’ve made the world a better place.  Let’s not focus how our relationship ended, but on what was accomplished.  Whether it was for Thelma, for Eldon, or for us, you spent year after year spreading life to others.  You were a rock in the room, a place where others could anchor themselves so they could reach higher.  I remember admiring you during large group share.  When processing a trainee, you would stand firm, take in and hold all of the pain and woundedness that would pour out of them.  There was something about the way you listened without giving advice or trying to make it better, in fact without saying anything at all until the time was ripe.  I’ve tried to emulate this in my own leadership work.

I remember you saying that your leadership role felt lonely.  At the time I didn’t understand.  After all, you were the most consequential person in the organization.  Maybe I understand better now that I’ve been there too.

We’ve had some amazing experiences, whether it was presenting to 45 trainees or to three.  My experiences with the native bands in Canada changed my perspective forever.

I considered, and still consider you to be my friend.  What’s most important to me is the connection and camaraderie we shared.

Steve