Sandy

I know less about my brother and sister than I want to admit. As a child, I isolated myself and often played alone, lost in my own fantasies. I had few friends and didn’t learn to share and open up about myself. So I can’t say I cultivated much intimacy with Sandy when we were children. She was somebody to whom I could have reached out for emotional support, but I learned way too soon to be emotionally independent.

So Sandy and Brian were people with whom I shared a house and experiences. We weren’t as close as many siblings, but that doesn’t mean that I hold any animosity whatsoever against Sandy. I simply never learned to lean on her or confide in her. Just like everyone else in my life at the time.

Sandy is a lot like Dad in terms of being practical and achievement-oriented. She credits him with making her the person she is today. She worked as an accountant for the local school system and became very successful. She won a big national award for her work. She just recently retired, but she still works fulltime for a national association for school accountants. She hopes she can enjoy a more leisurely retirement soon.

Even as a teen, Sandy was perceptive, intuitive, and smart. She could see through me. Sometimes she would egg me on until I was in a rage and then run and lock herself in the bathroom until I cooled down. (I had forgotten about this until Sandy reminded me recently.) Despite always seeing myself as the victim rather than the bully, I often took out my rage against Sandy and Brian.

Rage still bubbles inside of me today, it’s just now I tend to take it out against traffic lights and stupid drivers. And sometimes the nightly news.

Her first marriage fell apart when her husband committed a crime and went to jail. This was a very difficult time for her. I wasn’t there for her, but Dad told me they were there to help her. She ended up moving back to live in Mom and Dad’s home town and they all still live there today.

She remarried many years ago and by all appearances they are as close as when they first met. Second marriages are typically difficult and have a high failure rate. But they made it work with a blended family of four teen boys.

When she and her husband purchased a new house, they made sure they’d have room to move Mom and Dad in when they could no longer be independent. This is a huge deal, especially to Brian and me! After seeing everything my wife Jamie goes through dealing with her aging parents, I know what kind of commitment she’s signing up for. It’s a big sacrifice and gift to all of us.

She’s already shown her commitment by taking charge of Dad’s care when he had his strokes. She moved him into her home when Dad’s nursing home providers seemed content to simply let him languish. She managed every aspect of his care. She outfitted one of her bedrooms with all the furniture and person-moving contraptions of a hospital room. Sandy was absolutely instrumental in Dad’s near-miraculous recovery. Sandy and mom are the reason Dad has the physical capacity and mental acuity he does today. Against all odds, Dad was able to move out of Sandy’s house and lives with Mom again in his own house.

Sandy has a strong moral center. She and her husband are regular church-goers who truly live their faith. She has strong convictions and values.

Only recently did I finally have a conversation with Sandy about what it was like to grow up in our family. I waited almost 40 years to open this conversation with either of my siblings. I felt a little weird simply because it was a different kind of conversation. But I enjoyed it.

I’m embarrassed to not have an abundance of things I could tell you about Sandy. I’m struggling to not be ashamed of that. I couldn’t help the way I was as a child, and the emotional barriers I erected to protect myself.

What I can do—and what this project is for—is to realize that the way I was doesn’t serve me in the present. I don’t need to be so self-protective anymore. I can be more open, honest, and intimate with people. That’s really what’s at the heart of this Six Months project.

Sandy and I enjoy each other’s company, and we have serious conversations when necessary. I’d like to have even more intimate conversations with Sandy. I hope this project will help to make those types of conversations easier, more frequent, and more natural.

I love you Sandy.