Eulogy For My Dad

Dad once told me, “There’s nothing more important to me than family.”  I believe it’s the most consequential thing he’s ever said to me.  He teared up as he said it.  It’s one of the very few times I’ve ever seen him tear up.

I’ve come to realize that Dad had a vision, a dream for his family.  Growing up, I didn’t see this because I was living within his dream.  But I’m beginning to see it and appreciate it.

Dad wasn’t given tools to know how to parent.  His parents didn’t have the tools to know how to parent him.  Yet his children have thrived!  The three of us were among the first in our extended family to graduate college.  We’ve become scientists and accountants and engineers.  Sandy once told me that Dad made her what she was today.  He taught Brian to do his own car maintenance and home renovations, and helped him for as long as he was physically capable.  (I didn’t have the patience to sit at his knee and learn all this stuff.)  Although he confessed that he didn’t understand how I could create my own job by founding a company, he supported me and even invested some of his own money in my company.  Most telling, he taught us to be good parents ourselves, and his grandchildren have become responsible adults we are so proud of.  We all are his legacy.

Dad was a man of his times; when men were providers and protectors and the unquestioned leaders of their family.  So he could be authoritarian, judgmental, inflexible, and stubborn.  But he was also sacrificing, affectionate, generous, and even indulgent.  I remember the feel of his beard stubble when he kissed me every night when went to bed.  Mom also told me he had a side that we didn’t get to see, that he was sensitive and tender.  They never argued in front of us, instead waiting until they were behind closed doors.

As a protector, Dad gave us the best environment to thrive.  Once Mom & Dad married, they moved move out of rural Ohio to suburban life near Cleveland.  We had advantages that we couldn’t have in rural Ohio.  As a provider, Dad set to work.  He didn’t have much time, as I was born nine months after Mom & Dad married.  Dad got a job packing light bulbs at General Electric.  He was promoted to draftsman, and eventually to quality control engineer, even though he didn’t have a college degree.

I remember one act of generosity.  With money tight, we really only got presents for Christmas.  But one day he surprised us and came home with a set of sports equipment to set up a volleyball & badminton net and a tetherball. We got a second Christmas that year.  He also set up a tire swing for us, something he would one day do again for his grandchildren.

He sacrificed for us by working hard to make sure we had a comfortable life.  He started working on his degree at home during his evenings, but he gave it up in order to spend more time with us.  When our family outgrew our small home, he and some relatives tore most of the back of the roof off the house and built a dormer.  Out of necessity, he finished Brian’s and my bedroom fairly quickly, but the upstairs bathroom wasn’t functional until I was a teen.  I still remember walking on the bare wood floor, but it was heavenly to actually have a second bathroom in the home.

He indulged my curiosity by allowing me to turn part of the basement into a science lab.  Then I turned it into a makeshift dark room so I could develop my own photographs.  One year he even helped turn my idea for a haunted basement into reality with black lights and floor-to-ceiling black plastic sheeting.

Dad had an adventurous side.  He got a large tent (probably as a wedding present), and the family went camping often.  We graduated to a trailer, and most summers we took off to far-flung places.  One summer we spent four weeks driving to California and back.  Dad would bypass all the attractions we saw on the billboards and wanted to go to.  He called them “tourist traps.”  Instead we went to national parks and state parks and lakes and beaches.  By the time I was a young adult, I had visited 48 states and Canada.  I still haven’t been to North and South Dakota.

We traveled often to see relatives.  Dad made sure we knew our roots.  My cousin Kippy became my best friend, and I cried every time I had to leave him.

Once Dad retired, he realized his dream of selling his home and living untethered in an RV.  Dad & Mom took the RV to see relatives in Ohio and Texas, keeping their family ties. They wintered at the southern tip of Texas where they got to experience summer all winter long.  I can only guess how many winters Dad spent snowed in, living in Ohio, dreaming about this. 

Any story of Dad’s life would be incomplete without talking about his involvement in the Scouts.  Dad became an assistant scout master, attended scout meetings and service projects and camping trips.  He went to summer camp with us and took us to high-adventure camps such as Philmont in Arizona and Tinnerman canoe base in Canada.  He continued his involvement with scouts long after we were grown, becoming scout master and extending his legacy to entire generations of boys.

Dad was most happy when his whole family, children and grandchildren were all together, gathered around a table for a big meal.  It was the fulfillment of his dream he created for his family.

Dad, I love you.  I often catch myself being like you, in a turn of a phrase or in telling a “Dad” joke that makes everybody groan.  You gave me a sense of responsibility and the discipline to accomplish my goals.  You gave me tools to be a better Dad.  Whether we were aware of it or not, whether we appreciated it or not, we are the beneficiaries of your vision and sacrifice.  It is your gift you left to the world to make it a better place.  Thank you for giving generously to us.