Eldon and Terry

Eldon and Terry started the program that would alter the course of my life and allow me to live my purpose.

I met them when I walked into a personal growth program called Choices II. My friend Randy roped me into attending.

The program (seminar) was called Choices II because Eldon’s mother started the original program with Dr. Phil McGraw and his father. Eldon has memories of hanging out with Dr. Phil when they were both young adults.

This was my first personal growth program, so I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t expect much, because I thought I was smart and could figure out life on my own. As it turns out, I couldn’t. In fact, being smart gets in the way!

But I figured spending nearly five days on myself would do some good, even if I didn’t get much out of the course content. The first day kind of felt like that to me.

Then things got real. The program isn’t a “power of positive thinking” or motivational type of event. We got into the sh!t that gets in our way in life. We cleared much of it out. It created emotional space that we could fill with more of what we wanted in life.

If you want to know more, you’ll just have to attend a program yourself.

Eldon was the face of the program, the leader of a group of mostly volunteers. He was damn good at what he did. He had been involved in the program for many years and had a serious amount of experience and insight. There wasn’t a sticky situation he couldn’t handle. I really can’t overstate how much command, power, expertise, wisdom and impact he could have facilitating from the front of the room.

While Eldon ran the room from the front, Terry supported Eldon. I would often see them huddled in the back of the room, where they would go over notes or strategize. She would take care of the little details that needed to be nailed down in order to run a successful program.

I know all of this because I became a regular part of the presenting team. I got to know Eldon and Terry as friends.

Eldon has a heart to help people. He could be tough in the room (when it was called for) and generous outside the room. He inspired loyalty. He delegated responsibility.

Terry is fiercely loyal. She has a big family, and is very protective of the people she cares about, whether it’s actual family or the type of family created by our group of volunteers. She was always supportive and encouraging.

Eldon encouraged me to facilitate (speak) from the front of the room very early on. I was very nervous. I would insist that I get the video of Eldon’s (and others) facilitation so I could study what they said and how they said it. It was truly “on the job” training.

I eventually got very good at facilitation, but it took years of practice. I wasn’t very good at first. Years later, people would give me compliments on my fully-developed facilitation skills. Overhearing one such conversation, my friend Kondi put it in perspective. He said, “Oh, you should have seen him when he first got started. He was TERRIBLE.”

This story comes up a lot by people who like to rib me.

While I take exception to the term “terrible,” Kondi’s remark reminds me that in order to get good at something, we have to start out as a beginner. That means we have to suck at it for a while. Eldon and Terry were willing to let me suck as a facilitator in their program, and as a result I got crucial experience.

Imagine having a program, your “baby,” and being world class at presenting the program. Now imagine allowing a beginner to learn how to facilitate in your place, and standing back and allowing him to suck until he got better at it. That was Eldon’s gift to me.

Today, facilitating groups is an activity that makes me feel alive. I feel it is what I was put on this earth to do. I literally can’t get enough of it because I can’t find many opportunities to do the kind of deep work I love.

People like to get the “light” version—the lunch-and-learn or the one-hour presentation; maybe some yoga or listening to a motivational speaker or podcast.  And there’s nothing wrong with that. But what fills me is when people open up their hearts in vulnerability and allow me to touch them in a healing way. There are precious few opportunities for that. Eldon and Terry created these opportunities for me.

I still have indelible memories of the seminar, like sitting in the chalets socializing or the smell of the chemicals used to clean the carpets in the seminar room. The mood of the background music or the sight of a room full of lit candles. I can be in the shower washing my hair and the scent of the shampoo transports me to a different shower in a different place.

After a few years I had a parting of the ways with Eldon and Terry. I won’t go into details, because no matter how objective I try to be, it will always be MY side of the story. As Phil McGraw says, “It don’t matter how flat you make a pancake, it will always have two sides.” If Eldon and Terry wish to have a conversation with me about it, then I’m very willing. However, that conversation will be private.

I do, however, need to apologize. Not only for how my involvement ended, but for how my involvement began.

Early on, I started donating money to the program to help people who couldn’t otherwise attend. The program started to depend on these regular donations. When I abruptly stopped making donations, the organization crashed.

I didn’t realize it then, but it is possible to enable an entire organization. I use the term ‘enable’ in the same sense that a family can enable a person’s unproductive behaviors. In this case, propping up the organization so it would not fail was keeping the organization from taking its own hard steps toward self-sufficiency.

When I made the program financially dependent upon me, I sealed its fate. This wouldn’t be the first time I did this to an organization. The reason why I know this about Eldon and Terry’s program is that it happened with two subsequent organizations. Lessons are repeated until learned.

I also need to apologize for exercising power and control inappropriately. I consider myself to be a pretty humble guy. But when I get my back up, I can seek what feels like holding people accountable. In truth, it was more like revenge and intimidation tactics. I’m shocked at what I’m capable of when I feel like I’m right. I drove Eldon and Terry away with all the force I could muster.

So when I reached out to Terry as part of this project, I had no idea what kind of response I would get. I thought the most likely response would be no response. The second most likely response would be some version of F— off.

But Terry, as always, was gracious and courteous. She welcomed a visit from me. It’s a strong testament to her character.

I will always be grateful to Eldon and Terry. Their guidance helped me be the person I am today; with the passions I have to help others. Thank you.