Bret

Bret is one of my most intimate friends. He knows things about me I haven’t told to more than two or three people ever.

I met Bret years ago as part of my involvement in Foundations Workshops. He attended the workshop, then was a volunteer facilitator and convinced many of his connections to attend the workshop. (He had a LOT of connections.) At the time, I think he was in his early thirties. He was a pastor.

Bret is very charismatic. He’s brash, handsome, and boyish. He’s enthusiastic. He doesn’t seem to have a shy bone in his body. In the early days, he sported a rat tail and said the word “Word.” a lot.

He caused quite a stir among the women. As a leader in the program, I actually had to deal with the fact that several women on the presenting team had crushes on him, and it was affecting the environment in the room. I guess the combination of natural attractiveness and being a pastor was irresistible.

He can talk people into whatever his vision is, and they will follow him like fans. He did it in his churches, and in his personal growth programs. Everything he touched, grew.

He’s committed to his passions. He would rather starve than compromise what’s important to him. He’s actually come close to doing just that.

So when he decided to start his own personal growth program where he lived in Chattanooga, I wasn’t surprised that he quickly developed a following. I was thrilled to be able to facilitate a workshop little more than an hour from my home. The program was called TrueYou.

Bret was a dynamic pastor, but he suffered mightily because he didn’t fit the mold. He was in a denomination that is dominated by legalistic fundamentalism. I must confess that I have a lot of negative energy toward legalistic fundamentalists. By the way: He was not in one of the mainstream religions.

OK, so what does it legalistic fundamentalism mean?  Religious fundamentalism refers to the belief in absolute authority of religious text, teaching, or leaders. Legalism is strict adherence to law or prescription, especially to the letter rather than the spirit.

Combine the two and it’s a recipe for exclusion, the absence of love in the face of orthodoxy (literally: “right belief”), and religious intolerance and abuse. Bret has experienced all of these, repeatedly.

People will stop at nothing when they believe that another person’s very soul is at stake. I think C. S. Lewis (a defender of Christianity) said it best:

“Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. Those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.”

Imagine taking this a step further. What does this tyranny look like when it is directed toward—not the victims—but toward the person whom the tyrants believe are leading the victims astray. That person was Bret.

He was “let go” by two churches. Of course I only know his side of the story, but it seems pretty clear what happened because I’ve seen it happen elsewhere. He tried to teach about love from the pulpit. A love free from rules. He didn’t toe the dogmatic line. His natural charisma and charm made him a real threat. They simply had to get rid of him.

Bret and I commiserate and rail against peoples’ attitudes and intolerance. But we don’t put many words around his hurt. Either he’s processed through much of it, or he’s reluctant to open up Pandora’s Box. I believe it’s some of both.

Bret and I can talk for hours about things that really matter, and it fills both of us. His “love language” is quality time, and so is mine. We learn from each other.

After his second congregation rejected him, Bret gave up the ministry, at least within that denomination. His involvement in TrueYou was his new ministry for a while.

He was such a strong leader that he attracted good followers who relied upon him to lead. Being a leader is tough. People who lead well don’t crave leadership. Leaders also need other leaders for the proper functioning of an organization.

But most people in TrueYou were young and transient, and it was an organization of volunteers, not paid staff. So the same four to six people got stuck with all the responsibility, doing all the work, all the time. Eventually those people completely burned out, and there was nobody left to step in.

He (and his wife and other leaders) suffered intolerance and rejection even in TrueYou. Because he built the organization through his contacts within his denomination, TrueYou never quite freed itself from the unhealthy attitudes of its supporters. And then many of his supporters stopped supporting him. When people believe in strict dualities (you’re either doing God’s work or Satan’s work) they can turn on a leader pretty quickly and believe some pretty outlandish claims. TrueYou suspended its workshops in 2014.

Bret’s life purpose is to help people. It’s as simple as that.

For a while, he became a chaplain at a local hospital. He was with families as they watched the deaths of their loved ones. It was a sacred duty. It was holy work.

He decided to attend his local university to get a second Master’s degree, this time in social work. Again, he took the path that helps people, especially the downtrodden and disadvantaged. Even when in TrueYou, Bret would invite the homeless into the workshops at no cost.

I sometimes worry that he sacrifices himself for the sake of others. This can be lethal in a social work environment. Bret, take care of yourself so you can take care of others.

About a year ago, Bret and I announced we would do a podcast titled Healing For Heathens. The podcast would be about helping people deal with religious abuse and exclusion of any sort. We haven’t started the podcast, but we haven’t given up on it yet either. We’re still struggling with focus. How do we accomplish our mission as stated in the podcast’s title?

As I struggle to regain my life’s purpose, I can easily see involving Bret in the picture. I secretly want him to move here to Rome and start a community for people who have been hurt by church. I don’t know what that looks like, nor if Bret would ever want that. But I’ve seen myself that true community can be created in places other than traditional church.

If I had to guess, I’d say that Bret sees me not only as a friend, but as a mentor. I am an older, moderating voice that blends well with his youthful enthusiasm.

And he is my mentor as well. He teaches me that I’m not too old to start a new dream. He teaches me that life is worth it if you’re committed to a higher goal. Bret teaches this loner that other people matter, and being a leader can be fun if you allow it.

Bret, I have a great deal of respect for who you are and your commitment to making the world a better place. I enjoy spending time with you, talking about life in all its wide-ranging facets. I’m honored to call you friend.